Want ads: Mother

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MOTHER:

Job Description: Lifetime team player who is ALWAYS willing to go the extra mile. Challenging position that requires stamina and strength of heart. No weak willed, lazy people need apply. The environment is ever changing and can be described as chaotic from time to time. Peacefulness and restful periods are unstable and not necessarily guaranteed. Candidate must possess a variable amount of skills, such as: communication, domestic tasks, cook, secretarial skills, medical skills will also come in handy. Must have the ability to handle all types of emergencies - like the spoke of a bike gobbling up the foot of your child - need to handle this with a calm and assurance and certainly not be faint at the sight of blood. This job includes evening and weekends and there is very little time for time to yourself. This is a sleeping/ possibly awake overnight position. There is no replacement or substitute for you. This job may include a 24 or 48 hour awake shift although the calling for this ability is not often. Trips are included in this position! You may find yourself taking weekly trips (paid for by You!) to ongoing sporting events such as cheerleading, football, soccer,etc. Be prepared is all I can say - tylenol, goody bags, drinks, spare tire and know how to change it, blankets, changes of clothes, sturdy footwear, wad of money, etc.  Please familiarize yourself with various sports so that you will be able to give account for what you witnessed your child doing during these events. Failure is not an option! Having a high quality camera/ video recorder will only enhance your experience. There will be out of town adventures to various cities and towns both within your state and out of state. Having a quality GPS is a big benefit. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Your child does not know how to read a map and will most likely be sleeping on the lengthy trip there. Know how to set up a tent in case your male counterpart is out of town on business. Know how to strat a fire, starting one from rubbing 2 stones together will really impress your child/children. Being limber is also a big plus. When your female child needs help with a back flip - you will need to demonstrate this to her - optional use of a trampoline. Being sick is also not an option. You need to know how to cook supper, feed a baby and be able to sprint to the bathroom in record time if indeed you do become ill. Your illness will not take priority over one of your childrens illnesses - they will come first! If you have a male child - pray to God that they do not want you to demonstrate dirt bike riding, skateboarding (pro quality only) or football - prepare for frequent trips to the local ER - only for what you can not handle on your own at home. You do know how to use a needle and thread on things besides cloth, right? Must have a dependable vehicle to make numerous trips to the school to deliver such things as lunches, PE clothes, YOUR completed Science project and the trombone that was forgotten. Must be an organizer. Must be willing to work independantly as well as being a team player. Creativity will make your job easier. For a more detailed list - please inquire about the book - be sure to receive your copy of the most recent addition since the book goes back to the publisher often to make additions, not usually subtractions.

Responsibilities: last for the rest of your life! Be of a strong heart for you will be hated a lot of the time, until it comes time to handing out money. Restraining yourself from lashing out with a wooden spoon at an unruly child is required. Must not raise your voice at a decible higher than that of your child! You must be responsible to keep your self physically fit - I will provide a vitamin regimen that you will benefit from - cost of such regimen is up to you (may at some time become a requirement). You must maintain schedules - timeliness to events, lessons and school functions is important. You will need to do "make-up" work if 2 children have events going on at the same time at different places. I suggest befriending someone, buying a video camera and tape the event or program. You need to regularly check the text message communications of your children to prevent any untoward events. Must be able to stand up to school bullies, well, maybe not the bullies themselves but to their 350 lb. gang member father/mother - you are a peacekeeper, but you should know karate or some form of martial arts to defend yourself. Only when feeling weak and vulnerable do you need to entangle the law into the affairs of your children. Domestic tranquility is very important. Do not disturb your male couterpart as he needs plenty of nutrition, rest and ability to always have the remote within arms reach. Your male counterpart is unable to work switches on the TV and will conduct an interrogation and a full blown search for any misplaced remotes! This will not be a pleasant event! Do not attempt to use buttons on the TV manually at this point as this will only create a larger disturbance. My suggestion: buy a couple extra remotes - stored safely away to "find" in times like this. The job does require cunning and ingenuity. You will find yourself being the best thing on the earth one minute and despised and rejected the next - do not take this personally - normally is hormones and will resolve on its own maybe - don't think this really has been experienced, only a myth or urban legend that is widely talked about.

There is no possibility for advancement. The only promotion you will receive is when you die, you will be promoted to Heaven. There is no room for complaining from you - your children do enough complaining for the whole neighborhood. It is common knowledge that when your children become teens they will and do know more than you. They will look at you as a burden to their living life as it should be lived. I realize there will be a long line of applicants - I wish you the best!

Wages:  You will be allowed to eat the food you cook. The monetary compensation is all turned over to your children - after all, they need prom dresses, cell phones, football uniforms, clothes, shoes, pictures, McDonalds, Subway, gifts to give to their friends and possibly you, too, will receive a gift from time to time. Boxes of candy often come to you but the following morning you are likely to find each one with a tiny bite missing from each one - teach them at a young age to follow the diagram on the box! You may get kisses and hugs in lieu of monetary compensation but don't hold your breath! You may think it is all over when your child/children turn 18 - no, do not get your hopes up .... then there is college which may go on for years....they .... just....drag....by. The job will provide limitless opportunities for personal growth!

All you Moms out there - Love you all for the job you are doing!!!

I am the mother of 10 delightful and original kids who just make my world a better place! Its true that some of my kids do not like or even love me. I love them no matter what they say about me. Let me qualify their reasoning behind the lack of love - I had an affair on my 1st husband in 1990. I truly did choose the lust of the flesh over my family - that truly grieves me and I have to live with the scar of my sinful life. I am delighted by the forgiveness of Jesus and it is due to that forgiveness that I go on with a smile on my face and a heart that will NEVER give up on those adult children who harbor bitterness and hatred towards me. So, I will no longer dwell on the downside of my experience with Motherhood but on the positive and it far outweighs the negative. Live a life that honors God and you will never have to experience the scar of a sinful life.