Forgiveness Not Bitterness

FORGIVENESS NOT BITTERNESS

Alone I sit in a house thats dark
Wondering where my camera is at
Wanting to still this moment in a single frame
Thinking clearly and totally sane.

For the last six years nothing but gasping
Blessed assurance and to God I'm grasping
I am far from perfect, clear to see
I have hurt others and others hurt me.

Wedded bliss I would never see
Oh no, not for me.
Ten long years with Mr. R
Has left a deep, ugly, permanent scar.

Mr R has harnessed hatred, dominance and pain
Used it all to his glory and much wealth he did gain
Don't get me twisted for wrong I did too
An affair I had led to love very true!

Blessed with six children, Mr. R and I
And one more he claims as his; tis a LIE!
Stephanie slipped under the water one day
The year 1983, the thirtyfirst of May.

Her death was not a turning point for us
Our relationship began with passion, sex and lust
Many happy times Mr. R and I had
Abuse was too much, made me quite sad

On the oldest of mine Mr R always would pick
He put her down; that made me hurt and sick
His selfish desires always before the kids
Hurt kids left to cry while sports he did

 

I thought it was all over

those papers I certainly signed

He found a new lover

and I certainly didn't mind!

 

Control and manipulation are still his game

He does it to our adult children

Now isn't that a shame?

A relationship with my children,I sadly ask when?

 

Money seems to be the bottom line for him

No competing with the that

My wallet is thin

His is full and fat.

 

When does this abuse of emotions stop?

It feels worse than a fist bloodying the face.

The things he threatens our kids as adults

Thought as he grew older it would slow his pace.

 

He creeps from the shadows and there he lurks

To pop out at me and spin my world out of control

Very clever to show love and affection to me face to face

But behind my back, he tells my kids I am nothing but a disgrace.

 

I have found a way to conquer this man with whom I shared love.

I pray daily and show him grace from above.

I pray for his health, his strength and our kids.

I pray for his wife and strength in their marriage.

 

I pray that I, too, will show love

Give forgiveness that only can come from above.

I am peaceful at last with myself

I pray he finds God and finds peace himself.

 

Bitterness will eat you up from the inside out.

I do not want to get old and bitter like him

Forgiveness is easier there is no doubt

I have not forgotten but the memories are now dim

 

Beth I hear you calling....well, I wish I did!!! The 33rd year.

Today is many things - it is Sunday. It is a hot day here in Arizona - 103 degrees. It is the 4th day of Fall this year. It is 12 days after my 50th birthday!!! The reason this is one of the best days? This is my daughter Beth's 33rd birthday. I love you Beth! Happy Birthday. Beth is my firstborn child. I am having a memory fest in my mind of the volumes of good times I have had with Beth. The song, "Beth" by KISS is where I got my daughter's name from. Part of the lyrics are: "Beth, I hear you calling..." and thus the reason for the title. I have not heard Beth calling in like 3 years and just wish my phone would ring.

Maybe some of you remember when I was in High School and was pregnant. Those were nervous times for me - never knowing how I would be accepted. I was afraid of being called names for getting pregnant before I was married and also still in High School. Even in High School, your peers can be so unkind with their words and judgements. I can remember that one of my many childhood friends, Sharon Drinkwater, called me Lil Mama and that made me feel so welcome and accepted. I valued her as a friend. What people said and how they treated me really could make my day. Then there was Melody Marsh who I would stop in and see at her place of employment, Ye Olde Wood Shoppe, where she worked in the part that sold donuts. After every OB Dr. appointment, I would treat myself to a donut. She always had words of encouragement and a ready smile. Mel and Kevin also asked me to be a part of their wedding - I would be in charge of the guest book and make sure everyone got to sign it! I had Beth, just a few days before their wedding and was unable to attend. I am sure there were people at Waterloo High School who called me names and talked about me because that is reality and it is just what teens do. Even though that happened - I was spared from hearing any of it and really sailed through my pregnancy unencumbered by verbal assaults or any unkind actions.

My life really changed when I became pregnant with Beth. I never once thought of having an abortion. I also talked with an attorney about adoption after my parents requested I do that. I thought of my own mother who had given me up for adoption. I thought about how generous and kind she must have been to give me up to have a better life with my adoptive parents. I could not even give thought to giving this little baby growing inside of me up for adoption. My mother must have been so strong and courageous to let me go! So the decision was made very early on - I would be having this baby. I let Jim Wolfe, the father of the baby know. He was in the Marines and was going to be in Okinawa, Japan during my pregnancy. My parents were my biggest advocates and biggest support system. Then there was also my Aunt Ruth and Uncle Dick who also supported me in love and prayer. I used to smoke pot and party like a rock star prior to my pregnancy with Beth. That all came to a complete hault when I found out I was pregnant. I am glad that God used the pregnancy to stop me in my wayward behavior.

So, there I was, in Waterloo, NY and had just turned 17 on September 14, 1977 and having my first baby. I went to bed on September 25th feeling a little bit weird...unsettled. Then I woke up on the morning of the 26th, like at 5 am and let my mom know that I was having contractions and this was going to be the big day!! I was so nervous and glad I had my mom there to go through this with me. My mom, in her typical secretarial style, broke out a piece of paper and a pen and wrote down every contraction I was having. Dad was pacing and in quite a hurry to get me to the hospital. My dad's mom died due to complications from child birth and he was not willing to take any chances with this first grandbaby of his. I placed one phone call to my closest friend, Juanita Kidd, and let her know that I was on the way to the hospital to have the baby. It was raining on the way to the hospital and I somehow equated this to being "lucky" sort of like rain for a wedding. I remember being placed in this small labor room at Geneva General Hospital. My mom was to be my "coach". Dad was in charge of frequenting the cafeteria for coffee and socializing. I can just imagine what he was doing while he was there. He was probably telling jokes to anyone who would listen. Then he was most likely telling everyone that he was waiting for his first grandchild to be born. I really miss my DAD!!

As expected, labor progressed and so did the pain! I wanted so badly to give birth naturally. I hehehe'd and I blew air out of my pursed lips. This was more overwhelming than I had expected. I lost it - I cried, I screamed. My mom tried to rub my back and unleashed the exorcist in me minus the pea soup! I think my head spun around my neck twice and in a very creepy deep, dark voice I said, "Don't touch my back". Thank goodness mom had the foresight to bring the cross and holy water. Ok, it wasn't that drastic but pretty close. I did end up having some demerol for pain but did not have an epidural ( Boy was I young and stupid!! I never had an epidural until 2006. I can't believe the sweet relief that I missed with the other 11 pregnancies).

I was in transition but not able to push this little miracle out. I tried for over an hour and just became too exhausted. Beth was delivered by forceps while I was knocked out. I woke to the sweet sounds of a soft cry. I asked my mom, "so what did I have? A boy or a girl." With tears in her eyes she replied, " A 7 pound dark haired baby girl." Then I laid my eyes on her...amazing. For once in my life...speechless. Beth was bundled up and handed over to me right there on the delivery table. The labor pain was already a distant memory as I looked this little girl all over. She was perfect. I wanted to hold her and never let her go. My dad was bursting with pride as I was wheeled out of the delivery room. I will never forget his smile as he stood there just outside the doors to the labor area. Beth was already in the nursery and we stopped by the nursery window for another quick peek at her. I demanded she be brought to my room as soon as possible.

As soon as possible seemed like an eternity. I got instructions from a nurse with cold hands on how to breastfeed. Beth was eager to breastfeed and this seemed all so natural and wonderful. I held her through the night in my arms and she fell asleep on my chest that first night in the hospital. Could life get any better than this?My parents did not stay with me at the hospital and Beth and I were there by ourselves to learn and grow and love one another. I had the window side of the room, so I was able to look into the night sky, see the stars and just talk to my newborn daughter. This was the first of so very many cuddle moments and talks. The next day I learned how to bathe my daughter and how to care for her umbilical cord. I was given more breastfeeding techniques. I learned what to expect out of my own body after delivery. Sitz baths were a little piece of heaven. I was told to be careful not to overdo the time I breast fed on both sides. I was 17 and youthful and what did these old nurses know anyway?? I bet their breasts would hurt if they breastfed for more than 10 minutes on each side but I was young and had perky breasts. So much for youth being on your side. On Beth's second full day of life, I was ready to listen to those nurses with the old boobs and anything they had to say! Were my nipples bleeding?? I was ready to stick a bottle in Beth's mouth and be done with it. Then one younger nurse introduced me to vicodin...woohoo!!! I had nipples of steal once again ...well, not quite but it gave me the illusion of that. I stuck with breastfeeding and enjoyed the close tender moments that Beth and I ONLY were able to share.
 
I was thrilled to be able to take Beth home on September 29th! I showed her the nursery that was done just for her. I was given advice by Pastor Whitbeck and his wife to not go in and pick up Beth every time she cried. I had a hard time with that one also. It was so hard to hear the cry of your newborn baby and not rush right in and take care of whatever it was that was ailing her. The first baby is really such a learning experience and oh the things I learned! I learned not to use dull diaper pins when using cloth diapers. I drilled a hole in Beth's hip from the stupid, dull diaper pin. You could drill for oil in that hole! No more cloth diapers and the diaper pins hit the trash. I also learned that the dishwasher door should not be left open around a baby who is crawling! Dishwasher soap and a baby ingesting a taste on her fingers did not mix. I also learned that if I breastfed in bed that I should not roll over on her arm. Beth was in a cast at 7 months old. I learned that for every smile that I gave Beth - she gave me back 3 in return. For every kiss I gave her, I got sloppy, wet kisses on the cheek, the nose and even on my belly in return. For everytime I yelled at her to stop a behavior - she had an ocean of tears to cry. I also learned that as a young girl, she had to face up to her peers on her own and I could not intervene lest she not learn and grow in the process. I also learned that my daughter would not want to hold my hand forever, that she too, would grow and move away. I learned that divorce is an ugly thing to put a child through.I learned that some people use kids and manipulate their hearts in their game to control. I have learned that an affair is not worth it. I have learned that a child's heart is easy to damage but can also be repaired if the right love and tenderness is planted in it. Children learn what they live. I learned that people you love dearly can withhold their love from you. I have also learned to forgive and to show love despite the lack of love shown to me.

Happy Birthday Beth, my beautiful first born daughter. I love you and hope you have all your birthday wishes fulfilled today on this your 33rd birthday.You have become so many things I wish I had become - strong, independant, hard working. I see the many accomplishments you achieved.You would never allow a man to abuse you like I let a man do to me. I see the hard working woman you have become. I remember that strong will in you and it has helped you along the way. Do you remember trying to get a "no-handed" cartwheel down? I would stand right there and encourage you to do it. You would try over and over and finally nailed it. I see in you that drive and will to succeed that I saw when you were younger.You would never give up. Don't give up on me, Beth.  I live in the memory of you right now because sharing in a part of your life is not something you want to share with me right now.  I respect that and I even understand that. I am waiting patiently for "us" to happen again and more memories to be made. You can choose to dwell on the bad parts of the past or you can choose to forgive and go beyond that. We have had many times to smile and laugh. Fresh still in my memory is the haunted corn maze - what a blast that was. Also, the time when you and your friend came to see me in Kentucky while I was doing Private Investigations with Alli. Laughing about Alli and your friend being so much better at Jeopardy than you and I.  Don't let bitterness swallow you up sweetheart. It is never too late.  I love you Beth and am waiting here with open arms.

Love forever,
Your MOM
Always Smilin, Always Hoping

Lazy Day

Today is one of those gratifying Saturdays where I spent the whole day in PJs and just relaxed. I don't get these kinda days often and it was great to just soak it all in. It did not start out at all like it was going to be relaxing. Brandon woke up around 4 am and was emptying the contents of his stomach onto the comforter, pillow and my arm!! I don't think it is the flu altho I myself have felt a little bit of a stomach ache today. I attribute his sickness to being all wound up last night. His girlfriend - one of many - Lolo - was over here last night with some other cheer leaders getting him all excited. Then we had a friend of mine come to visit - Lily - and he was thrilled to see her also. Anyway, thats just my opinion on his 4 am soaking of the sheets!!

I spent time on Facebook - talking with old high school friends! It is so nice that we can all re-connect in this way. Denny and I spent a lot of time today chatting online.  I also love connecting with Robin - what a bunch of fun we all can have online. Can't imagine what it would be like to all meet up together and spend time with one another. We would have a great time!! Then there is Bill who is always there with some logical, sound advice and some wise butt answers. That also reminds me of Harry - he has a very kind side mixed with an awesome amount of humour - love it. Not many guys I have or can open up to but with Denny, Bill and Harry - I most certainly can. I only wish that Robin lived closer cause I certainly would enjoy some "girl" time with her. So that was a part of my relaxing day and glad I had some of them to share it with.

Then I only did what laundry was absolutely necessary to do - the blankets, towels, sheet that got initiated by Brandon. I had washed one blanket and Rebel decided he was going to puke on it - so had to re-wash that one. Then I did not lift a finger to cook or clean. Ryan made lunch/supper - meatloaf. I slept for several hours. Watched "It Could Happen To You" and wished that would happen to me.

Now I am watching COPS - people are dumb and always good for a laugh. Some guy is claiming that it is a "rush" to shoot water - What? If I had known that was such a rush - I would have not spent so much money on marijuana in my younger days!!! The "water" tested to be Morphine. Maybe water is the street name for morphine now -I am no longer up on the street lingo for drugs. Well, I gotta go pay attention to COPS - some dude on a bike just got tackled by 4 cops - looked like overkill for sure - but like I said, I don't watch this to judge - I watch it to laugh. Next up, "America's Most Wanted" - sweet!! Have you ever watched it and actually knew the person that was wanted? I have!! More funny and strange stuff there.

Planning on getting to bed early tonight - fresh sheets and blankets! Everyone needs a relaxing day to just do whatever.

The Fifth Commandment - Do you know what it is?

Exodus 20:12 - "Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you." This is the 5th of God's commandments. Did you Google it?? To be truthful - I would of had to.

I really don't think kids really get what honoring their Father and Mother really means. When they are growing up it means obeying all their silly rules that they have deemed necessary for us. Why oh why, can't I date a guy before I turn 15? Why do I have to be kind to that mean ole neighbor? Why do I have to do all these chores? If you are anything like me - you tell your child - "because I said so thats why?" How much like my own parents I have become!

So I took a minute to find out what Webster says the word honor means, only took me 50 years to finally look the word up!

 Honor - high regard or great respect given, received, or enjoyed. Dignity, esteem. This definition humbles me.

 I go back and reread Exodus 20:12 "Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you. This is something so greatly lacking in society.

Kids make up their own rules. Kids place demands upon their parents and have their parents honoring them. Kids don't silently question why of their parents anymore - they have an in your face way of communicating with their parents that have some parents trembling in fear and others, sadly, overpower and abuse their kids. God did not want it this way for parents and children to interact.

I see where this is a commandment with promise - IF we honor our parents THEN we will live long on the earth. I wonder how our world would be if we still followed the Old Testament law. If your little buckeroo was not honoring or obeying you then you brought him before a judge and he was disciplined harshly - like to death!!

 Check out this great motivator for honoring your Father and Mother - Leviticus 20:9 says  'If anyone curses his father or mother, he must be put to death. He has cursed his father or his mother, and his blood will be on his own head.'  Now there is a convincing reason to honor your parents! They tell you to clean your room - I am sure that room would be spotless and you would be right there asking what you could do next to please them.

 Deuteronomy 21:18-21 says ¹⁸ "If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son who does not obey his father and mother and will not listen to them when they discipline him, ¹⁹ his father and mother shall take hold of him and bring him to the elders at the gate of his town. ²⁰ They shall say to the elders, "This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious. He will not obey us. He is a profligate and a drunkard." ²¹ Then all the men of his town shall stone him to death. You must purge the evil from among you. All Israel will hear of it and be afraid."

 Can you imagine being back in the day ... you thought your parents rule of going to church on Sunday with them was ridiculous so...you conveinantly hid in the hut of a neighboring farmer and was able to "skip" church!!!! WooHoo!!!

 Then you woke up Monday morning and your Dad was saying, "Hurry up and get dressed we have something important to do" You are excited, you think you might be getting a new horse to ride or going to the Farmers Market. You dress in a hurry and put on your favorite sandals.

 As you are walking there, you notice that the townspeople are gathering stones and such and giving you evil looks!!! Then your Dad and Mom turn to go toward the gate of the Elders ... you suddenly are flooded with memories of yesterdays disobediance and skipping out on church. You also recall backtalking Mom last week, beating up your little brother and you remember your room is not acceptable looking at all.

 Excuses flow from your mouth as you beg for forgiveness. The elders tell you that you had plenty of opportunity to obey and now the ultimate of punishments - death!!

 Just imagine what our world would be like today if kids really honored their Father and Mother! Compliance to authority would be in the top 90% range! There would be no need to expand the jail system. Kids who honor and obey their parents at home would be likely to be the most compliant with the laws of the land also.

Oh to have ALL parents of today given honor! To have worth and value place upon our parents would bring about a change in homes and in the day to day activities of everyone. Then also, to give this honor and obediance to God - our Heavenly Father! He sent his Son as a model for us and also gave us the Bible as our set of instructions from our Heavenly Father. Honoring our earthly parents should be a direct result of our faith in God. Each individual and even our Nation is defined by its relationship with God.

I am writing this as a 50 year old woman, who has a Mother that is still living. I also am the Mother of 10 living children. So lets look at that a little bit. Since I am already a grown woman - I don't need to worry about honoring my Father and Mother, right? WRONG!!!

 My Father has passed away but the words for life he passed on to me still exist and I can still honor him by doing things he asked of me when he was alive. If it makes my Heavenly Father happy then most certainly it would have made my earlthly Father happy too!

 Since my Mother is still alive, I have many occasions to give her honor. Honoring parents is a command for children of ALL ages. There is no exemption from this command. There is not even an exemption for those children who have parents who aren't Christians. Does the verse say that only spiritually mature and insightful parents get honored? NO!!! Then it must say that parents who have never made mistakes in raising us should be honored. NO!!! How about my parents who are drug addicts and abandoned me when I was young - still honor is due them. Certainly I am not expected to give honor to my Father who walked out on our family when I was young to pursue his own sinful lifestyle, right??? No, that is wrong thinking - there are no qualifications in that verse in which we are to show respect, honor, obediance to our parents.

Well, what does this honoring our parents look like?

 It does not mean putting your seal of approval on their irresponsibility.

 Since it is a command for children of all ages, it does not mean you are still under their authority when you become an adult. Parents should not use this verse as a means to manipulate you as an adult child.

 It does mean placing great value on their insight, wisdom and your overall relationship with them. If your relationship has fallen apart or maybe you were abandoned by a Mother, Father or both as a young child, then step up to the plate and re-instate a relationship with this wayward parent! Will it cost you - probably! Emotionally it will be an upheaval but in the long run, with God's help, you will greatly benefit from the re-establishment of  a relationship with your parent(s).

 If you are still under the age of adulthood then honoring them means obeying them until you have become an adult ( some of us takes longer than others - could mean 18 for some and 21 for others). Recognize what your parents have done RIGHT in your life - if you can't think of one little thing, let me help you out here. You are sitting there reading my blog and sucking air as you do - well, your parents did not abort you - so start with that and see what else pops in your little brain. Like maybe numerous rides to school, a roof over your head, I'm sure your Mom has made you at least 1 PB&J, did you have gifts under the Christmas tree ... come on now you can probably come up with a very lengthy list even IF your Mom, Dad or both were absent for a majority of your life!!!

How about recognizing the sacrifices that have been made for you??? My parents gave up their money and probably their own vacation time to send me to Hawaii in 1976! My Mom and Dad each sacrificed of their time to help me get my multiplication tables down.

 How about the Mom who came to your High School graduation when her ex husband did NOT want her there and when her own daughter acted like she did not want her there?

The Mom who sat out in the parking lot of the church where her first born daughter was getting married because she was not welcome at the church due to an ex husband who had a control issue and a daughter who had come to believe the lifestyle she was raised in and adopted it as her own way of living?

Honor your parents for the legacy that they are leaving behind for you. There are many positive things left in their legacy - some just may need more research than others.

Honoring your parents means seeing them through the eyes of Christ, with understanding and compassion. Honoring your parents means forgiving them as Christ has forgiven YOU!!! It is an attitude accompanied by actions that say to your parents - YOU ARE WORTHY OF HONOR. YOU ARE DUE RESPECT. YOU ARE OF VALUE. God makes no mistakes and HE certainly did not make any mistakes in giving you the parents that have given you a part of your genetic makeup.

 What about the divorced and re-married parent?? Then you still have a requirement to Honor your Parents. I think this also applies to your step-parents. So does this mean that your absent parent is due less respect? NO!!! As an adult child - set aside differences - love and honor your parents. Ask God for HIS enabling power to see your way clear to honor your parents no matter what!!!

I want to just reflect a minute on my parents and the honor that is due both of them. My Father was a hard worker, yet always took some time to play "stone school" with me on the front steps of our porch at 139 E. Williams St in Waterloo, NY.

Dad showed me the importance of placing God first in my life through his example of doing just that. I honor my Dad because of how he showed me that humor seemed to oil the squeeky parts of life. Proverbs 17:5, "A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones."  Dad showed me how to grease up the old bones!!

Mom was to be honored and respected because of all the day to day functions she performed - just read my blog on the Want Ad...she wore many hats.

 Mom tucked me in to bed when I was young with a glimpse into the Bible and prayer. Mom taught me to be a prayer warrior. I can remember praying for a witch doctor on an Indian Reservation in the Buffalo, NY area. Mom showed patience - I wanted it now - like my meal at McDonalds!! She taught me how to wait upon the Lord. She also taught me that sometimes we do not get our prayers answered the way we want. That witch Dr that I prayed for for many years - he eventually became a Christian! That was just one of many prayers that I waited on the Lord to answer.

My parents both stressed the importance of church attendance and fellowship with other Christians. They also taught me to be in the world but not of the world - this lesson I just came to learn.

My Mom and Dad taught Sunday School and I was taught the Bible inside and out. I was made to memorize scripture - Thank you for that!!!

I was taught the love of rollercoasters by my Dad at Roseland Park in Canandaigua, NY!!! I still LOVE the thrill of coasters and wild rides!!! Thank you Dad!

 My Mom showed me organizational skills and for that I am so grateful. I may have gotten a little carried away when I put my kids toys into seperate Rubbermaid containers which on the front was placed an index card which told what was inside the box and also the number of pieces!!! Apologies to my older kids who suffered with me as I learned the importance of Balance in my life .... so what if there was 21 Pretty Ponies instead of 26 ... so some ran away and hid - I scared them off too!! When my son, Shawn, got Legos for Christmas - you could feel the tension in the kids especially when I pulled out a neat little blue box with LEGOS neatly printed on it with the number 126 printed below!!! Oh, no!!! I learned and grew also ... I have organized disorganization and it WORKS - Thank you Mom.

 There is so much I have to be thankful and grateful for when I think of my parents. It would be a blog for another day though. What I want to say is -  I honor you Mom and Dad. Thank you for adopting me!!! I love both of you so very much!

How about you? Give honor to your parents. You can't go wrong obeying one of God's commandments. In giving honor to your parents - your own children are watching and modeling your behavior. Hopefully they will get a glimpse of God in your actions and want to know more about how to follow God and what that means.

Always Smilin',
Dianne
Phil 4:13

Beautiful Bride, Wife and Daughter!!!

I had the honor of walking my daughter, Ashleigh, the beautiful bride, down the aisle on February 13. 2010. This was a day mixed with emotions - deeply wanting the best for my daughter and truly still wanting my daughter to remain at home with me. It is no secret that I did not agree with Ashleigh and Jared's relationship. I was afraid that she was making a decision based solely on emotions that were running very high at the time. She had just given birth to a daughter - Hayleigh Anne and was in a relationship with the father of the baby, Jared Smith. Now, it is 7 months later and I am so very happy that Jared and Ashleigh got married.  The Smiths have God in the center of their marriage and that is why their relationship is so fantastic and so very blessed.

I can remember a time when Ashleigh was in her early teens that I wondered whether her life would become anything more than short term relationships, drug & alcohol problems and violence?? I was scared for Ashleigh. I was afraid she was a train wreck waiting for a brick wall to smash into. God knew better. All the AWANA and Sunday School and Bible Studies actually had sunk in at some point. She also had the power of prayer - of a praying Mother, Grandmother and Aunt and so many others. Ashleigh became pregnant and for her - that was her brick wall. Shortly after Joshua was born, Ashleigh heard a message at RE about Where Your Treasure Is....The Holy Spirit worked in her life and convicted her of her need of a Saviour!.How marvelous. II Corinthians 5:17 says "Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new." That certainly was true of Ashleigh! She had a definate change of heart. She turned from old sinful ways and tried to follow God's path for her life. Sadly, I did not make it easy for Ashleigh. I claimed to be a Christian, yet, I thought she was trying to act better than everyone else in the family. I took part in condemning Ashleigh and making fun of her. She stayed strong and true to God!! I am thankful for her testimony for it certainly made me take a good long look at myself and what I was - A fake. God saved me from that depraved mind that had me ridiculing my own daughter! I am very ashamed of my former actions towards Ashleigh and am thankful for her forgiveness. She is one of the many convicting factors in my recent salvation. I love you Ashleigh and am thankful for you and your testimony. Ashleigh truly is a beautiful daughter. I speak for Jared when I also say she is a beautiful wife - inside and out.

So now - I have a wonderful, beautiful Christian daughter to share my life with and am doubly blessed by having an amazing Christian son-in- law. Her and I are on the same page spiritually. There is no more jealousy and condemnation! We share each others prayer requests. We talk about how different messages have blessed our hearts and how we are applying the truths of the Gospel to our daily lives. 

Ashleigh and Jared have 2 amazing children and 1 more to be here in January 2011!!! They are both doing a fantastic job at raising their kids to love Jesus. When I became a Christian in August of this year - it has opened up the relationship that I have with my daughter, Ashleigh, and her family. What more could a Mother want??? Well, that would be for ALL of my children to become Christians and follow after what Jesus wants for their lives.

Thank you Ashleigh for following God's path for your life - stick to it you are doing an amazing job!!!

The Ballcap Imprisoned

FHS where my son, Chaz, is a sophomore has many rules and regulations all designed with the students safety in mind and to enhance the scholastic experience. I get told all the time how unfair the rules are, some teachers and coaches are and I take it all with a grain of salt. Just like I got told how unfair the coaches are, yet I talk to the coaches and usually get a different story of what is REALLY going on. I am a Mom and out of total fairness to my kids - I listen to them with a sympathetic ear. Maybe it does seem unfair and unreasonable to have such rules or directions that dictate what they do or how they behave but I also sympathize with the rule makers and need to come along side them in their decisions. I need to show that I love my kids and understand their feelings while all along I also need to express my desire for them to follow the rules set in place for them.

So with that said, let me tell you about the ballcap that has been imprisoned in the asst prinicipals office several times. A couple weeks ago I picked up Chaz's ballcap from the office and was informed that the students knew that ballcaps are not allowed on school grounds. OK. Well, The ballcap was set free and was placed on my sons bed. I never heard a thank-you for retrieving the ballcap. Up until the ballcap was returned, I did hear plenty about how I should go get his ballcap. He even took the time to call me during school hours and ask me to come and get it. So, I was a bit disheartened by this but even more so when I got a call the very next day to please come and retrieve his ballcap!!! What??? I went over the rule with him about no ballcaps on campus and he relayed to me that he knew!!! My son, who since he returned from his Dad's this summer, has been totally non-interactive with me - now calls and even talks to me in the morning prior to school, to ask if I will pick up the ballcap. So what is a Mom to do? Should I keep my son talking to me and also at the same time letting him know I will not go rescue his hat due to his willful disobediance? Or, do I go over the rules yet once again with him and pick up the hat? Yes, this is where I want your interaction??? Should I burn the hat???  Send me your thoughts on this.

I sincerely love my son and want the best for him. I want him to grow up with a healthy respect for rules and laws. I want him to know that I always have his best interest at heart.

Remotes?

I am thinking about all of our conveinances in life - from the automobile to the microwave...all there in plain sight and reach to make our life simpler. I just wonder if that was the thought when the remote for the TV, VCR, fan, lights, etc was created. My thoughts would be to create something called....drum roll please....
THE HANDY CONTROLLER.
This device would be an adjustable velcro strap that fits right on your forearm and is programmable for up to 7 devices!!!
Life has been more difficult since the invention of the remote. First off the name "remote" fits its exactly! It usually is remotely removed from your presence when you want it the most. Notice I did not say "need" it the most. I am a female and am perfectly capable of breaking the suction of my tush on the comfy leather couch and going to the object that I want to turn on or off and pushing a button. Men on the other hand, consider the remote a "need". I have witnessed mechanics, engineers and even Drs search endlessly for a remote when in 4 - 8 steps they could of had the device that they wanted on - actually on. Tempers flare, accusations fly and the living room looks like a disaster area. Then, the remote, is located with peanut butter and jelly smeared all over it because your tiny tot is trying to control his dragon with the remote control. He can't seem to make the dragon chew and swallow!!!
Ok, so my invention would always be near - hence the name "handy". You wear it and you won't set it somewhere while you go to answer the phone. The most fun some of us women have had is watching the men in our life search for remotes!!! Yet, these same men who are tireless warriors as they search for the remote become overworked and tired when it comes time to taking out the trash. So, get 2 "Handy Controllers" and let the fun begin. There will be dualing Handy Controllers. Whoever gets to their channel at the top of the hour - gets to watch what they chose. They can lock out the other remote until 1 hour is up. Now say, that said overworked and tired male person decides to take out the trash with a renewed strength - then maybe, just maybe they can turn the football game on and you will give up Dr. Phil for one night.
I think it would also be interesting to enter in cheat codes....these codes can only be obtained by answering questions on baby care, household cleaning tactics, and the latest Dr Oz tips! I am all about empowering women. I am kinda over watching men make fools of themselves searching for remotes.
Also ... be on the look out for the tattooed controller that would be a microchip imbedded in your arm with the tattoo of a controller placed on your forearm....several manly styles to choose from. There would be no misplacing this controller unless while using a chainsaw ... your arm was accidentally buzzed off. No, in that instance it probably would be the forearm without the controller imbedded in it - You are in luck!!!
Look for more ramblings from my mind. Some of it is real life, some how real life is and some is life in the reality of my mind.

Always Smilin',
Dianne
Phil 4:13

Wisdom in her choices!

Brandi and her wisdom!

I always like to get behind one of my children that makes wise choices. Brandi came home yesterday to talk with me about cheer, school, work at Sonic, friends and her somewhat chaotic life where she had very little breathing room. Her choice is to possibly give up cheer ....hmmm....this makes me happy and sad at the same time. This is how it all unfolded:

Brandi sent me a text message yesterday, fairly early on in the day - like 8:30 - 9 am....She had a headache, was sunburnt and felt dehydrated. In my mind, I had answered her like this:  Well, that happens when you go to the river to go tubing with a bunch of underage teens and adults who find their pleasure in drinking alcohol. She was even given a breathalizer because of her hanging with other individuals who were drinking alcohol. The cops tested her because everyone else was drinking and it was hard to believe her when she told them she was not drinking. I am proud to say she was not drinking and did not come home with a ticket for minor consumption. Isn't it true though that one rotten apple spoils the whole bunch? What business does righteousness have doing with unrighteousness? If you would just lose those friends and start making wise choices in friends...maybe, just maybe you would not feel like this today! LOL!

This is how I really answered her: "Awww....I'm sorry. What do you want to do?" Then she responded by asking if she could come home after lunch? My reply was, "You will need to tell your coach, Ms Valencia, that you do not feel well and just need to come home." Brandi said she would do that. So after I got home from taking Brandon to Head Start, I found Brandi at home in the recliner with a blanket over her, fixin to fall asleep. She took a much needed nap.

Then around supper time she started a conversation with me about school, her grades, the physically demanding cheer schedule, work and time with her friends. She started by telling me that not only did Ms Valencia need a Drs excuse for today but that she also told me that Ms. Valencia had sent her a text and told her that she should not go on a field trip with her Future Educators of America group!!! What? Anyway, Brandi said, " I am not making a career out of cheerleading. I want to be an English teacher!" She began getting tearful. She said this was so difficult. She explained how she had a 61 in English and that she had turned in a paper that had been due but the grade did not reflect that it had even been turned in. Then she told me amusing stories about her goofy English teacher who was "into" Norse mythology and even dressed the part sometimes to teach class. So why does the school complain about ball caps being worn??? So I am sitting there listening to her explain to me about this whacked English teacher who wants the kids to participate in the kingdom of Norse gods and goddesses with him and am just laughing. She even said he had named his 3 kids after various Norse goddesses - WOW!! Can you imagine this? He has a collection of swords and costumes and utilizes or wears these in class. I challenge you to a dual Brandi - your paper lacked the quality of a goddess! Or better yet, he teaches with a helmet on - are you getting any weird visions? This is an acid trip gone wrong! The kids must enter a weird force field when they enter his classroom and get sucked into a different time and dimension - DON'T DRINK THE KOOL-AID KIDS!!!! Ok, enough on this guy - I think I want to sit in on one of his classes....then I will make a blog complete with pictures. So, Brandi has a 61 and does not quite fit into this English class. I asked her if she could get out of it. She said, if I came up there. So, after her field trip today, I will go to the school tomorrow with her and get her into Mrs. Cantu's class - she is wonderful!

 Then Brandi talked some more about cheer and how she wanted to do what she needed to become a teacher. She said the field trip was important to her and did not want to stay away from this field trip just to satisfy her coaches need to be in control of her life all for the sake of cheer! She wrote Ms Valencia and told her that her Mom wanted her to attend the college outlook field trip because she was going to be a teacher when she got out of school and wanted to do what she had to in order to advance in that direction. She got a very hurtful text back...Brandi got teary eyed and said that she was to bring her uniform in to give to another girl because, she may not pass the grade check for this week because of the low English grade, she also had missed school due to a headache and therefore missed practice, she would be missing most of cheer practice the next day due to the field trip. So since Brandi wants to further her life by doing things important to her future (not cheer!) then she would be punished by having to turn in her uniform and having another girl step into fill her spot!!! Brandi did go on to tell me what she had learned at cheer camp this year. That will be blog for another day!

Brandi and I also talked about the choreography coming up this Saturday. She said that she is scheduled to work at Sonic this Saturday from 9 till 5 and that conflicts with practice that is 7a till 9p. She has someone to work for her at Sonic until 11. Her boss told her that if she is not there at 11, then she need not bother coming in anymore. I asked if she could get someone else to take her place and she said no, she is the one who had to be there at 11. So my 17 year old daughter who will be 18 in a few short months is faced with some very adult dilemmas. She is learning that just because she cries or is conflicted about situations that they do not solve themselves. She is also learning that in the midst of solving her dilemmas that she is going to leak liquid from her eyes and even possibly her nose. GOT TISSUE?

Then the last thing we talked about was her dilemma of not having time with her friends. I assume that this means - no time with her boyfriend Ethan. If she is concerned about her future of teaching, then I would think that her grades in school are most important. Cheer, a job and "friends" interfere with grades then they all need to be adjusted or eliminated. I would think the first thing to eliminate would be her job. She is thinking that cheer is what she wants to eliminate. She was crying over this decision and deep down, I don't think this is what she truly wants. It is a big decision and a wise decision that she is making - to give up cheer! I also would think it would be a wise decision to just give up the job, continue with cheer since she has dedicated 5 years of her life to it! She can always get another job. She can't go back to her senoir year in HS and choose to stay in cheer!  I already am having cheer Mom withdrawls. Yes, it is a big committment to be in HS, keep up grades and stick with a sport. A sport that conditions your body and gives you some ability to think more clearly. I think that her boyfriend GREATLY interferes in her decision to quit cheer and I don't agree 100%. I agree that something needs to be given up - If she asked my opinion - I would have told her she needed to give up her job. She would just have to make the best of friendships and her relationships in the rest of this school year. If any boyfriend is worth his wieght in gold - then he will lovingly and patiently wait while Brandi finishes out her Senoir year of High School. I think this is a type of refining fire for her boyfriend....will he prove to be gold or will just ash be left?

This is another time where this Mother feels she has the answers for her daughter but is left to silently observe as her daughter makes her own wise choices for herself. I will give her my opinion in this situation but ultimately the choice is hers. I really hope that she will continue with cheer but if she doesn't I still believe in her and her choices. I love Brandi so very much!!!  I am so proud of her statement that she made, "I am not going into a career of cheerleading, I want to be an English teacher." So, with tears in her eyes, she is doing whatever she feels it takes to accomplish that goal.

Always Smilin' Sometimes Through Tears,
Dianne
Phil 4:13

Want ads: Mother

Want Ads:
MOTHER:

Job Description: Lifetime team player who is ALWAYS willing to go the extra mile. Challenging position that requires stamina and strength of heart. No weak willed, lazy people need apply. The environment is ever changing and can be described as chaotic from time to time. Peacefulness and restful periods are unstable and not necessarily guaranteed. Candidate must possess a variable amount of skills, such as: communication, domestic tasks, cook, secretarial skills, medical skills will also come in handy. Must have the ability to handle all types of emergencies - like the spoke of a bike gobbling up the foot of your child - need to handle this with a calm and assurance and certainly not be faint at the sight of blood. This job includes evening and weekends and there is very little time for time to yourself. This is a sleeping/ possibly awake overnight position. There is no replacement or substitute for you. This job may include a 24 or 48 hour awake shift although the calling for this ability is not often. Trips are included in this position! You may find yourself taking weekly trips (paid for by You!) to ongoing sporting events such as cheerleading, football, soccer,etc. Be prepared is all I can say - tylenol, goody bags, drinks, spare tire and know how to change it, blankets, changes of clothes, sturdy footwear, wad of money, etc.  Please familiarize yourself with various sports so that you will be able to give account for what you witnessed your child doing during these events. Failure is not an option! Having a high quality camera/ video recorder will only enhance your experience. There will be out of town adventures to various cities and towns both within your state and out of state. Having a quality GPS is a big benefit. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Your child does not know how to read a map and will most likely be sleeping on the lengthy trip there. Know how to set up a tent in case your male counterpart is out of town on business. Know how to strat a fire, starting one from rubbing 2 stones together will really impress your child/children. Being limber is also a big plus. When your female child needs help with a back flip - you will need to demonstrate this to her - optional use of a trampoline. Being sick is also not an option. You need to know how to cook supper, feed a baby and be able to sprint to the bathroom in record time if indeed you do become ill. Your illness will not take priority over one of your childrens illnesses - they will come first! If you have a male child - pray to God that they do not want you to demonstrate dirt bike riding, skateboarding (pro quality only) or football - prepare for frequent trips to the local ER - only for what you can not handle on your own at home. You do know how to use a needle and thread on things besides cloth, right? Must have a dependable vehicle to make numerous trips to the school to deliver such things as lunches, PE clothes, YOUR completed Science project and the trombone that was forgotten. Must be an organizer. Must be willing to work independantly as well as being a team player. Creativity will make your job easier. For a more detailed list - please inquire about the book - be sure to receive your copy of the most recent addition since the book goes back to the publisher often to make additions, not usually subtractions.

Responsibilities: last for the rest of your life! Be of a strong heart for you will be hated a lot of the time, until it comes time to handing out money. Restraining yourself from lashing out with a wooden spoon at an unruly child is required. Must not raise your voice at a decible higher than that of your child! You must be responsible to keep your self physically fit - I will provide a vitamin regimen that you will benefit from - cost of such regimen is up to you (may at some time become a requirement). You must maintain schedules - timeliness to events, lessons and school functions is important. You will need to do "make-up" work if 2 children have events going on at the same time at different places. I suggest befriending someone, buying a video camera and tape the event or program. You need to regularly check the text message communications of your children to prevent any untoward events. Must be able to stand up to school bullies, well, maybe not the bullies themselves but to their 350 lb. gang member father/mother - you are a peacekeeper, but you should know karate or some form of martial arts to defend yourself. Only when feeling weak and vulnerable do you need to entangle the law into the affairs of your children. Domestic tranquility is very important. Do not disturb your male couterpart as he needs plenty of nutrition, rest and ability to always have the remote within arms reach. Your male counterpart is unable to work switches on the TV and will conduct an interrogation and a full blown search for any misplaced remotes! This will not be a pleasant event! Do not attempt to use buttons on the TV manually at this point as this will only create a larger disturbance. My suggestion: buy a couple extra remotes - stored safely away to "find" in times like this. The job does require cunning and ingenuity. You will find yourself being the best thing on the earth one minute and despised and rejected the next - do not take this personally - normally is hormones and will resolve on its own maybe - don't think this really has been experienced, only a myth or urban legend that is widely talked about.

There is no possibility for advancement. The only promotion you will receive is when you die, you will be promoted to Heaven. There is no room for complaining from you - your children do enough complaining for the whole neighborhood. It is common knowledge that when your children become teens they will and do know more than you. They will look at you as a burden to their living life as it should be lived. I realize there will be a long line of applicants - I wish you the best!

Wages:  You will be allowed to eat the food you cook. The monetary compensation is all turned over to your children - after all, they need prom dresses, cell phones, football uniforms, clothes, shoes, pictures, McDonalds, Subway, gifts to give to their friends and possibly you, too, will receive a gift from time to time. Boxes of candy often come to you but the following morning you are likely to find each one with a tiny bite missing from each one - teach them at a young age to follow the diagram on the box! You may get kisses and hugs in lieu of monetary compensation but don't hold your breath! You may think it is all over when your child/children turn 18 - no, do not get your hopes up .... then there is college which may go on for years....they .... just....drag....by. The job will provide limitless opportunities for personal growth!

All you Moms out there - Love you all for the job you are doing!!!

I am the mother of 10 delightful and original kids who just make my world a better place! Its true that some of my kids do not like or even love me. I love them no matter what they say about me. Let me qualify their reasoning behind the lack of love - I had an affair on my 1st husband in 1990. I truly did choose the lust of the flesh over my family - that truly grieves me and I have to live with the scar of my sinful life. I am delighted by the forgiveness of Jesus and it is due to that forgiveness that I go on with a smile on my face and a heart that will NEVER give up on those adult children who harbor bitterness and hatred towards me. So, I will no longer dwell on the downside of my experience with Motherhood but on the positive and it far outweighs the negative. Live a life that honors God and you will never have to experience the scar of a sinful life.

Letting go....

I have discovered that I have many things that I just need to let go of. I am reflecting on the fact that in 6 and a half short months I have another daughter who will be 18!! Brandi is a senoir at Florence High School and she is a Varsity Cheerleader (her passion that keeps her going to school - well, that and she wants to be a school teacher!). I think I have done a fairly good job at allowing her to make most decisions on her own....very hard at times! Her decisions right now at this point are mainly her own. She does need to let me know where she is going and with who ... but even if I do not like or approve of the who part - I still let her make that choice and be accountable for that choice. I do mention that she should chose her friends carefully and cautiously.  NO, I do not let her go out with the local pimp or the town drunk or even the local drug dealer. I do let her go with her friends, some of whom I do not approve of, but so far she has mainly made reasonable choices even when those questionable friends have not made good choices. She is not perfect and has made choices that have deeply grieved me.  I have wanted to, at times, put Brandi in a protective bubble where only things that I allow would get in. In the Bubble could be things like "Christian" friends, church functions, the Bible, Education, yes, I would allow cheer, family gatherings and even cheer camp! Her boyfriend would have to pass the Christian litmus test. But there comes a time, when I need to trust in the parenting that I have done,I have to entrust her into Gods hands and pray that she follows what she has learned in Church, AWANA and other Godly influences. Note that I did not include that she should follow her Mother's path for I have fallen short and only recently began trusting in Christ for my direction. Yes, we attended church and Bible Study and AWANA but that did not make me a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes me a car. I have to trust Brandi to do what is right and good and just let her go.....6 months is a short time to do this. I still am her Mother and I still have those protective instincts. I will NOT put up with her disrespect and I will still issue "punishment" for her disrespectful attitude. I am not saying I will just let her go and run wild ... if I see her out of control...I will come along side her and assist her back on the path. In that assistance she may see me as overbearing or mean and that is exactly what it may look like to her but it won't be. I also pray that Brandi is a Christian.I pray that her walk with Christ will grow. I pray that my being a "fake" Christian will not have distracted her too far from the path that God has intended for her. I will also pray for her friends and boyfriend, Curtis. She really has turned into a beautiful young lady and I am so very proud of her. She is full of life and energy. I can't tell you how exciting it has been to raise Brandi - a gift from God that no one can take away from me. Lord, I turn Brandi over to YOU. Please watch over her, guide and direct and even punish her as YOU see fit. I can not be with her all the time anymore...I no longer hold her tiny hand but will always hold her heart. Let her know how much she means to me and to this family. Help her to see how important it is to have a life given completely over to Christ. Hold her in the palm of YOUR hand and protect her. I love you Brandi Heather Nicole - a senoir in HS and well on your way!! I believe in You! Love forever - Your Mom

Will I see you in Heaven?

It seems as if cancer is surrounding people I love and am close to. The latest person that cancer has hit home with is Jordyn DeLaTorre. This young lady is 7 yrs old - WOW!! I know her father - Coach DeLaTorre! It pains me so to know that their family is going through this right now. Its as real as it gets for them. She had pain in her belly this past Monday, then her family and her were told she has cancer of the kidney, then on Wednesday she had surgery to remove the kidney and the 4lb tumor that went with it - Stage 4 Cancer!! Then just yesterday the family found out that this beast we call cancer had spread to her small lungs and into her lymph nodes. Please pray for this family as they face this beast head on with courage and faith! Give the Doctors a supernatural wisdom to conquer this bully that wages war in her body and defeat it, just like Goliath was defeated by stones in a sling shot aimed precisely by David!  Give Jordyn a "David" in her life right now to defeat this giant.
Just a little over a year ago cancer struck in the form of brain cancer to sweet lil Kate McCrae - her journey has been followed by thousands - even Dr. Phil. Yes, Kate just recently started kindergarten that she should have started last yr. Kate was able to start kindergarten this year because of a God who does answer prayers! Our pastor at Cornerston - Aaron McCrae and his wife held fast to the idea that prayer and that of many others is what would bring Kate through. Even if Kate did not pull through, still the McCrae family gave it up to God to decide and were prepared for the loss of their daughter in so much as one can be prepared for that! I marveled at Kate's resilience. I loved Kates smiles and some of the perky lil answers she gave to her parents and Dr. Phil about her illness. If I remember correctly she had said she was not afraid to die and that Jesus was always there with her. WOW!!! What powerful and remarkable words from a 5/6 year old girl. I love her testimony and that of her parents. I am sure that when I get to Heaven and join my daughter, Stephanie and my Dad....we will be sure to see Kate and her parents some day. Then I wonder - how about you?
Salvation is a free gift and yet why do so many procrastinate in receiving this free gift? Are you like I was until August 8th of this year and was just being a fake christian? That way you can still have your lifestyle of sin and proclaim you are a Christian and be forgiven....but eventually, sooner rather than later, you will come to that stark realization that your life was a sham. I hope it is at that time you claim your stake in the kingdom of Heaven! You don't need money to get into Heavens gate, else I would still be standing at the gate with my penny jar - lol! No, what you need is a realization of your sins as Romans 3:23 tells us "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" .... yup that "all" includes you and me! Now we know we are all sinners but don't be glum because here is a great surprise ... there is a way out of your one way ticket to hell. The verse in Romans 6:23 explains "The wages of sin is death but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord."  God sent His son, Jesus into the world as an example for how we are to live our lives as christians, then His ultimate sacrifice was the willing death of Jesus on the cross...John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that he gave HIS only begotten Son that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish but have eternal life. We can't get to Heaven through our good works because it is a gift freely given - no one can accept it for you - you need to come before God and tell Him how you desire to have that gift and to be a part of HIS kingdom. Ephesians 2:8-9 says "For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of GOD: Not of works, lest any man should boast." It is your own personal faith in Jesus Christ that makes your salvation story, not that of your parents or siblings ( I went for years counting on the salvation of my parents - does not work!!) ... the ball is in your court on this one - Come on and make that slam dunk!!! For I certainly want to see YOU in Heaven with me. Then when you have made that committment to Christ - next step is your personal growth - do I have all the answers??? NO way!! So get into a good Bible believing church that can help you in your growth in Christ. Fellowship with other believers. You will be amazed at how quickly your sinful lifestyle becomes unappealing to you and you so desire to follow Gods will for your life. Dig in to the Word of God and find other Christian friends who will come along side you in your growth - believe it or not - you, too will be helping them grow and mature in Christ, and find a good fundamental, Bible believing church. Let me know and maybe I can help you find a church in your area to try. Some excellent resources for growth are odb.org which is Our Daily Bread - gives you scripture to read and a short devotional that will inspire you. There is also insight.org which is the websight for Insight For Living with Chuck Swindoll (One of my personal favorite authors!) and you can find a devotional each day and also a radio broadcast that you can listen to. The website will also allow you to browse through past broadcasts ...right now Chuck is in Romans chapter 12 but I would suggest to you to start at the beginning of Romans. I don't claim to know everything nor am I perfect in my Christian walk but I really want to not only have times on earth to share with you but also I want to chill with you in Heaven!!!

Always Smilin',
Dianne
Phil 4:13

Finances and kids don't mix

Wow - when I told my son back in May around his birthday that I thought he deserved something special for his birthday...did not realize it would take this long!!! He picked out a $500 bike - crazy - I know, especially for a single Mom whose income does not even support the electric and water bill!!! I just felt that I had spent lots of money on my daughter who had had a baby when she was 16, then I spent even more money on my daughter who is in cheerleading - now there's a money pit!!! So, I felt beholding to my son! Little did I know that my car would kick the bucket and I would feel like kicking the bucket. Teens - they are all wrapped up into themselves to the point of total exclusion of the reality that is going on around them!. I just told my son 2 weeks ago that I was undergoing biopsy's of my breast and my uterus - that meant they were looking for cancer. He looked stunned momentarily and then went on with his life as usual towards me - ignoring me as much as possible. He has not since that day inquired as to how I am doing. But today takes the cake AGAIN - he asks me how much money I have down on the bike...I told him nunya...then he proceded to tell me that is why he can't trust me!!!???? What??? Because I have not provided him with the bike of his dreams or because life occurred in our family and somewhere between June and now, I have not had dime one extra to put into that bike!!! So the extent of our conversation today has been what an untrustworthy Mom I am. Sometimes, bear with me on what I am going to say, I just wish I would die - put my kids outta their misery and I outta mine - Now don't go and call the suicide prevention team .... I'm just saying that is how I feel from time to time. Hold on, we did have some other meaningful conversation today - he called me around 8:45 pm to tell me that the toilet was clogged. I asked him to plunge it and he said he did and thats when it overflowed. Oh happy day!!! I put the pedal to the metal to get home to that one!! He also informed me what was floating around in the toilet...yum. I love my son actually sons, so very much...I really do. They mean so much to me and even instances like this just makes me smile and sigh deeply.I have warring emotions going on within me - some just comical at lifes situations - like when I got up on the GYN table last week for my biopsy and I could not get my mind off farting or the fact that I needed to poop....why do us women do that??? Don't lie to me - there is someone else out there who does that, right? You will be happy to know I refrained from breaking wind!! Then there is the side of me that just feels somewhat overwhelmed....esp. since I became a Christian. The devil has me dancing around like a chicken with its head cut off!!! Just when something good goes my way - 2 or 3 bad things blow up in my face! Satan I will not be conquered tho - not now, not this time - my life with Christ is real!!! Christ reigns victorious over sin in my life, over the bike that I still need to pick up, over the test results on my uterine biopsy that I will get tomorrow, Christ is Lord of ALL!
I want to please my kids but not at my expense anymore. I used to bend over backwards to kiss their lil butts - not now! God does not want me to be a door matt to my kids. My son wants badly to go see his dad in Texas ... I told him and his dad right from the beginning of the year - good grades and a respectful attitude will get him there.... I believe he has a lot of ground to make up. I am praying that he will be able to go - so I am praying for a change of his attitude and that he will get into the groove with his grades. I wish I were going to see my ex!! That is a blog for another day tho!
I am so thankful that God blessed me with ALL the children he did. No matter what life throws at me from my kids - I have learned to not be surprised and also to be content. I lose my cool with the kids sometimes and for that I am so very sorry. I love each and every one of my kids. Each of them has brought some unique quality to life that I would not know what to do without. I really must get to bed ... You get the picture, right? I love my kids with an unending love and each of them rattle my core in different ways. Ok ....test results tomorrow... I will be like Kate McCrae's dad and say - praying for better than negative!!!
Always Smilin',
Dianne
Phil 4:13