Today is many things - it is Sunday. It is a hot day here in Arizona - 103 degrees. It is the 4th day of Fall this year. It is 12 days after my 50th birthday!!! The reason this is one of the best days? This is my daughter Beth's 33rd birthday. I love you Beth! Happy Birthday. Beth is my firstborn child. I am having a memory fest in my mind of the volumes of good times I have had with Beth. The song, "Beth" by KISS is where I got my daughter's name from. Part of the lyrics are: "Beth, I hear you calling..." and thus the reason for the title. I have not heard Beth calling in like 3 years and just wish my phone would ring.
Maybe some of you remember when I was in High School and was pregnant. Those were nervous times for me - never knowing how I would be accepted. I was afraid of being called names for getting pregnant before I was married and also still in High School. Even in High School, your peers can be so unkind with their words and judgements. I can remember that one of my many childhood friends, Sharon Drinkwater, called me Lil Mama and that made me feel so welcome and accepted. I valued her as a friend. What people said and how they treated me really could make my day. Then there was Melody Marsh who I would stop in and see at her place of employment, Ye Olde Wood Shoppe, where she worked in the part that sold donuts. After every OB Dr. appointment, I would treat myself to a donut. She always had words of encouragement and a ready smile. Mel and Kevin also asked me to be a part of their wedding - I would be in charge of the guest book and make sure everyone got to sign it! I had Beth, just a few days before their wedding and was unable to attend. I am sure there were people at Waterloo High School who called me names and talked about me because that is reality and it is just what teens do. Even though that happened - I was spared from hearing any of it and really sailed through my pregnancy unencumbered by verbal assaults or any unkind actions.
My life really changed when I became pregnant with Beth. I never once thought of having an abortion. I also talked with an attorney about adoption after my parents requested I do that. I thought of my own mother who had given me up for adoption. I thought about how generous and kind she must have been to give me up to have a better life with my adoptive parents. I could not even give thought to giving this little baby growing inside of me up for adoption. My mother must have been so strong and courageous to let me go! So the decision was made very early on - I would be having this baby. I let Jim Wolfe, the father of the baby know. He was in the Marines and was going to be in Okinawa, Japan during my pregnancy. My parents were my biggest advocates and biggest support system. Then there was also my Aunt Ruth and Uncle Dick who also supported me in love and prayer. I used to smoke pot and party like a rock star prior to my pregnancy with Beth. That all came to a complete hault when I found out I was pregnant. I am glad that God used the pregnancy to stop me in my wayward behavior.
So, there I was, in Waterloo, NY and had just turned 17 on September 14, 1977 and having my first baby. I went to bed on September 25th feeling a little bit weird...unsettled. Then I woke up on the morning of the 26th, like at 5 am and let my mom know that I was having contractions and this was going to be the big day!! I was so nervous and glad I had my mom there to go through this with me. My mom, in her typical secretarial style, broke out a piece of paper and a pen and wrote down every contraction I was having. Dad was pacing and in quite a hurry to get me to the hospital. My dad's mom died due to complications from child birth and he was not willing to take any chances with this first grandbaby of his. I placed one phone call to my closest friend, Juanita Kidd, and let her know that I was on the way to the hospital to have the baby. It was raining on the way to the hospital and I somehow equated this to being "lucky" sort of like rain for a wedding. I remember being placed in this small labor room at Geneva General Hospital. My mom was to be my "coach". Dad was in charge of frequenting the cafeteria for coffee and socializing. I can just imagine what he was doing while he was there. He was probably telling jokes to anyone who would listen. Then he was most likely telling everyone that he was waiting for his first grandchild to be born. I really miss my DAD!!
As expected, labor progressed and so did the pain! I wanted so badly to give birth naturally. I hehehe'd and I blew air out of my pursed lips. This was more overwhelming than I had expected. I lost it - I cried, I screamed. My mom tried to rub my back and unleashed the exorcist in me minus the pea soup! I think my head spun around my neck twice and in a very creepy deep, dark voice I said, "Don't touch my back". Thank goodness mom had the foresight to bring the cross and holy water. Ok, it wasn't that drastic but pretty close. I did end up having some demerol for pain but did not have an epidural ( Boy was I young and stupid!! I never had an epidural until 2006. I can't believe the sweet relief that I missed with the other 11 pregnancies).
I was in transition but not able to push this little miracle out. I tried for over an hour and just became too exhausted. Beth was delivered by forceps while I was knocked out. I woke to the sweet sounds of a soft cry. I asked my mom, "so what did I have? A boy or a girl." With tears in her eyes she replied, " A 7 pound dark haired baby girl." Then I laid my eyes on her...amazing. For once in my life...speechless. Beth was bundled up and handed over to me right there on the delivery table. The labor pain was already a distant memory as I looked this little girl all over. She was perfect. I wanted to hold her and never let her go. My dad was bursting with pride as I was wheeled out of the delivery room. I will never forget his smile as he stood there just outside the doors to the labor area. Beth was already in the nursery and we stopped by the nursery window for another quick peek at her. I demanded she be brought to my room as soon as possible.
As soon as possible seemed like an eternity. I got instructions from a nurse with cold hands on how to breastfeed. Beth was eager to breastfeed and this seemed all so natural and wonderful. I held her through the night in my arms and she fell asleep on my chest that first night in the hospital. Could life get any better than this?My parents did not stay with me at the hospital and Beth and I were there by ourselves to learn and grow and love one another. I had the window side of the room, so I was able to look into the night sky, see the stars and just talk to my newborn daughter. This was the first of so very many cuddle moments and talks. The next day I learned how to bathe my daughter and how to care for her umbilical cord. I was given more breastfeeding techniques. I learned what to expect out of my own body after delivery. Sitz baths were a little piece of heaven. I was told to be careful not to overdo the time I breast fed on both sides. I was 17 and youthful and what did these old nurses know anyway?? I bet their breasts would hurt if they breastfed for more than 10 minutes on each side but I was young and had perky breasts. So much for youth being on your side. On Beth's second full day of life, I was ready to listen to those nurses with the old boobs and anything they had to say! Were my nipples bleeding?? I was ready to stick a bottle in Beth's mouth and be done with it. Then one younger nurse introduced me to vicodin...woohoo!!! I had nipples of steal once again ...well, not quite but it gave me the illusion of that. I stuck with breastfeeding and enjoyed the close tender moments that Beth and I ONLY were able to share.
I was thrilled to be able to take Beth home on September 29th! I showed her the nursery that was done just for her. I was given advice by Pastor Whitbeck and his wife to not go in and pick up Beth every time she cried. I had a hard time with that one also. It was so hard to hear the cry of your newborn baby and not rush right in and take care of whatever it was that was ailing her. The first baby is really such a learning experience and oh the things I learned! I learned not to use dull diaper pins when using cloth diapers. I drilled a hole in Beth's hip from the stupid, dull diaper pin. You could drill for oil in that hole! No more cloth diapers and the diaper pins hit the trash. I also learned that the dishwasher door should not be left open around a baby who is crawling! Dishwasher soap and a baby ingesting a taste on her fingers did not mix. I also learned that if I breastfed in bed that I should not roll over on her arm. Beth was in a cast at 7 months old. I learned that for every smile that I gave Beth - she gave me back 3 in return. For every kiss I gave her, I got sloppy, wet kisses on the cheek, the nose and even on my belly in return. For everytime I yelled at her to stop a behavior - she had an ocean of tears to cry. I also learned that as a young girl, she had to face up to her peers on her own and I could not intervene lest she not learn and grow in the process. I also learned that my daughter would not want to hold my hand forever, that she too, would grow and move away. I learned that divorce is an ugly thing to put a child through.I learned that some people use kids and manipulate their hearts in their game to control. I have learned that an affair is not worth it. I have learned that a child's heart is easy to damage but can also be repaired if the right love and tenderness is planted in it. Children learn what they live. I learned that people you love dearly can withhold their love from you. I have also learned to forgive and to show love despite the lack of love shown to me.
Happy Birthday Beth, my beautiful first born daughter. I love you and hope you have all your birthday wishes fulfilled today on this your 33rd birthday.You have become so many things I wish I had become - strong, independant, hard working. I see the many accomplishments you achieved.You would never allow a man to abuse you like I let a man do to me. I see the hard working woman you have become. I remember that strong will in you and it has helped you along the way. Do you remember trying to get a "no-handed" cartwheel down? I would stand right there and encourage you to do it. You would try over and over and finally nailed it. I see in you that drive and will to succeed that I saw when you were younger.You would never give up. Don't give up on me, Beth. I live in the memory of you right now because sharing in a part of your life is not something you want to share with me right now. I respect that and I even understand that. I am waiting patiently for "us" to happen again and more memories to be made. You can choose to dwell on the bad parts of the past or you can choose to forgive and go beyond that. We have had many times to smile and laugh. Fresh still in my memory is the haunted corn maze - what a blast that was. Also, the time when you and your friend came to see me in Kentucky while I was doing Private Investigations with Alli. Laughing about Alli and your friend being so much better at Jeopardy than you and I. Don't let bitterness swallow you up sweetheart. It is never too late. I love you Beth and am waiting here with open arms.
Love forever,
Your MOM
Always Smilin, Always Hoping
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