Wow - when I told my son back in May around his birthday that I thought he deserved something special for his birthday...did not realize it would take this long!!! He picked out a $500 bike - crazy - I know, especially for a single Mom whose income does not even support the electric and water bill!!! I just felt that I had spent lots of money on my daughter who had had a baby when she was 16, then I spent even more money on my daughter who is in cheerleading - now there's a money pit!!! So, I felt beholding to my son! Little did I know that my car would kick the bucket and I would feel like kicking the bucket. Teens - they are all wrapped up into themselves to the point of total exclusion of the reality that is going on around them!. I just told my son 2 weeks ago that I was undergoing biopsy's of my breast and my uterus - that meant they were looking for cancer. He looked stunned momentarily and then went on with his life as usual towards me - ignoring me as much as possible. He has not since that day inquired as to how I am doing. But today takes the cake AGAIN - he asks me how much money I have down on the bike...I told him nunya...then he proceded to tell me that is why he can't trust me!!!???? What??? Because I have not provided him with the bike of his dreams or because life occurred in our family and somewhere between June and now, I have not had dime one extra to put into that bike!!! So the extent of our conversation today has been what an untrustworthy Mom I am. Sometimes, bear with me on what I am going to say, I just wish I would die - put my kids outta their misery and I outta mine - Now don't go and call the suicide prevention team .... I'm just saying that is how I feel from time to time. Hold on, we did have some other meaningful conversation today - he called me around 8:45 pm to tell me that the toilet was clogged. I asked him to plunge it and he said he did and thats when it overflowed. Oh happy day!!! I put the pedal to the metal to get home to that one!! He also informed me what was floating around in the toilet...yum. I love my son actually sons, so very much...I really do. They mean so much to me and even instances like this just makes me smile and sigh deeply.I have warring emotions going on within me - some just comical at lifes situations - like when I got up on the GYN table last week for my biopsy and I could not get my mind off farting or the fact that I needed to poop....why do us women do that??? Don't lie to me - there is someone else out there who does that, right? You will be happy to know I refrained from breaking wind!! Then there is the side of me that just feels somewhat overwhelmed....esp. since I became a Christian. The devil has me dancing around like a chicken with its head cut off!!! Just when something good goes my way - 2 or 3 bad things blow up in my face! Satan I will not be conquered tho - not now, not this time - my life with Christ is real!!! Christ reigns victorious over sin in my life, over the bike that I still need to pick up, over the test results on my uterine biopsy that I will get tomorrow, Christ is Lord of ALL!
I want to please my kids but not at my expense anymore. I used to bend over backwards to kiss their lil butts - not now! God does not want me to be a door matt to my kids. My son wants badly to go see his dad in Texas ... I told him and his dad right from the beginning of the year - good grades and a respectful attitude will get him there.... I believe he has a lot of ground to make up. I am praying that he will be able to go - so I am praying for a change of his attitude and that he will get into the groove with his grades. I wish I were going to see my ex!! That is a blog for another day tho!
I am so thankful that God blessed me with ALL the children he did. No matter what life throws at me from my kids - I have learned to not be surprised and also to be content. I lose my cool with the kids sometimes and for that I am so very sorry. I love each and every one of my kids. Each of them has brought some unique quality to life that I would not know what to do without. I really must get to bed ... You get the picture, right? I love my kids with an unending love and each of them rattle my core in different ways. Ok ....test results tomorrow... I will be like Kate McCrae's dad and say - praying for better than negative!!!
Always Smilin',
Dianne
Phil 4:13
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